Post by Gate-Hacker on Jun 19, 2005 11:54:36 GMT -5
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The world is getting screwed up, SO, it's time for new rules. Joining me today will be My friend JAD Jr. He's the smartest finger puppet in the world and he's here to help! ;D
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New Rule: There's no explaining love. If Charles and Camilla prove one thing, it's that she must be the greatest lay in history. She must do things to him that make Angelina Jolie look like your hand.
JAD Jr.: [putting finger puppet up to Gate's ear] "F**k you, I love you."
Gate-Hacker: Love is inexplicable, so let's not put any laws about marriage in our Constitution.
New Rule: You can't put any more types of meat on a bacon-cheesburger.
JAD Jr.: It's a barnyard reunion!
Gate-Hacker: Once you've made it a bacon-cheeseburger, you're done. If you're adding more than that, you have to opt out of Medicare.
JAD Jr.: "I've ate the food chain! Whoo!"
Gate-Hacker: New Rule: Let's make at least every second American movie NOT based on a comic book. How many of you knew that Oscar favorite "Sideways" was actually based on a comic book called The Tedious Adventures of Drunk Man and Horny"? If we keep making superhero movies, the rest of the world is going to start seeing America as some kind of infantile fantasyland where reality is whatever we say it is, and all our problems can be solved with violence.
New Rule: Valentine's Day sex is an urban legend. Every Valentine's Day ad is the same pitch: buy her the roses and candy and you'll get the Valentine's Day sex. Well, unfortunately, over time, is just like the roses and the candy - wilting and growing stale. The last time a guy actually got sex for chocolate was when we liberated France.
JAD Jr.: "Oh, you Hershey bastard!"
Gate-Hacker: And finally, New Rule: Leave the children behind! At least, that is, until they learn something. A new survey finds that only half of America's high schoolers think newspapers should be allowed to publish without government approval. And almost one in five said Americans should be prohibited from expressing unpopular opinions. Hey, let me tell you little darlings something: this is my livelihood you're screwing with now! So either learn the Bill of Rights, or you don't deserve Social Security.
Now, to those of you who think I am over-reacting, yes, I understand that being in high school is still very young, and no one really cares what kids say anyway. It's not like priests are dating them for their brains.
JAD Jr.: "The Pope's on Line 2."
Gate-Hacker: But the younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority. And what is so frightening here is that we are seeing the beginnings of the first post-9/11 generation, kids who first became aware of the news under an "Americans need to watch what they say" administration, kids who've been told that dissent is un-American, and therefore justifiably punished by fine, imprisonment or loss of your ability to watch "Dawsons Creek".
JAD Jr.: They should get rid of that...
Gate-Hacker: President Bush --President Bush once asked, "Is our children learning?" He did. He did. [JAD Jr. sings patriotic background tune] "No, they isn't!" And so a more appropriate question might be, "Is our teachers teaching?" In four years, you can teach a gorilla sign language. Is it too much to ask that in the same amount of time a teenager in America-[JAD Jr. does sign language] -is taught what those crazy hippies who founded this country really had in mind?
Now, I know the "morals and values" folks want us to take time out of the school day for prayer and the Ten Commandments and abstinence training, and to learn at least two theories of evolution--the one agreed upon by every scientist in the world, and the one that involves naked ladies and snakes.
But lest we forget, a few months ago, the people of Iraq risked death and danger to send a simple inspiring message: "America get out of our country!" "But also, that we want the freedoms that you Americans take for granted."
Now, I didn't mind being on the losing side of the last election, but as a loser, I guess I have some unpopular opinions. And I'd like to keep them. I'd even like to say them right out loud on TV. Because if I just sit here every day and spout Bush Administration-approved talking points, that is not freedom or entertainment. It's Fox News!
[JAD Jr. starts to do impression of Hitler, then morphs into Khruschev, pounding shoe on table.]
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End Volume.1 -- Issue.1 -- New Rules
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The world is getting screwed up, SO, it's time for new rules. Joining me today will be My friend JAD Jr. He's the smartest finger puppet in the world and he's here to help! ;D
------------------------------------------
New Rule: There's no explaining love. If Charles and Camilla prove one thing, it's that she must be the greatest lay in history. She must do things to him that make Angelina Jolie look like your hand.
JAD Jr.: [putting finger puppet up to Gate's ear] "F**k you, I love you."
Gate-Hacker: Love is inexplicable, so let's not put any laws about marriage in our Constitution.
New Rule: You can't put any more types of meat on a bacon-cheesburger.
JAD Jr.: It's a barnyard reunion!
Gate-Hacker: Once you've made it a bacon-cheeseburger, you're done. If you're adding more than that, you have to opt out of Medicare.
JAD Jr.: "I've ate the food chain! Whoo!"
Gate-Hacker: New Rule: Let's make at least every second American movie NOT based on a comic book. How many of you knew that Oscar favorite "Sideways" was actually based on a comic book called The Tedious Adventures of Drunk Man and Horny"? If we keep making superhero movies, the rest of the world is going to start seeing America as some kind of infantile fantasyland where reality is whatever we say it is, and all our problems can be solved with violence.
New Rule: Valentine's Day sex is an urban legend. Every Valentine's Day ad is the same pitch: buy her the roses and candy and you'll get the Valentine's Day sex. Well, unfortunately, over time, is just like the roses and the candy - wilting and growing stale. The last time a guy actually got sex for chocolate was when we liberated France.
JAD Jr.: "Oh, you Hershey bastard!"
Gate-Hacker: And finally, New Rule: Leave the children behind! At least, that is, until they learn something. A new survey finds that only half of America's high schoolers think newspapers should be allowed to publish without government approval. And almost one in five said Americans should be prohibited from expressing unpopular opinions. Hey, let me tell you little darlings something: this is my livelihood you're screwing with now! So either learn the Bill of Rights, or you don't deserve Social Security.
Now, to those of you who think I am over-reacting, yes, I understand that being in high school is still very young, and no one really cares what kids say anyway. It's not like priests are dating them for their brains.
JAD Jr.: "The Pope's on Line 2."
Gate-Hacker: But the younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority. And what is so frightening here is that we are seeing the beginnings of the first post-9/11 generation, kids who first became aware of the news under an "Americans need to watch what they say" administration, kids who've been told that dissent is un-American, and therefore justifiably punished by fine, imprisonment or loss of your ability to watch "Dawsons Creek".
JAD Jr.: They should get rid of that...
Gate-Hacker: President Bush --President Bush once asked, "Is our children learning?" He did. He did. [JAD Jr. sings patriotic background tune] "No, they isn't!" And so a more appropriate question might be, "Is our teachers teaching?" In four years, you can teach a gorilla sign language. Is it too much to ask that in the same amount of time a teenager in America-[JAD Jr. does sign language] -is taught what those crazy hippies who founded this country really had in mind?
Now, I know the "morals and values" folks want us to take time out of the school day for prayer and the Ten Commandments and abstinence training, and to learn at least two theories of evolution--the one agreed upon by every scientist in the world, and the one that involves naked ladies and snakes.
But lest we forget, a few months ago, the people of Iraq risked death and danger to send a simple inspiring message: "America get out of our country!" "But also, that we want the freedoms that you Americans take for granted."
Now, I didn't mind being on the losing side of the last election, but as a loser, I guess I have some unpopular opinions. And I'd like to keep them. I'd even like to say them right out loud on TV. Because if I just sit here every day and spout Bush Administration-approved talking points, that is not freedom or entertainment. It's Fox News!
[JAD Jr. starts to do impression of Hitler, then morphs into Khruschev, pounding shoe on table.]
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End Volume.1 -- Issue.1 -- New Rules
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